“So,” he said, to no one in particular. Then, to Emma: “Can I ask you something? A personal question.”
Emma didn’t look up from her pack. “Sounds serious.”
“Probably.” He paused. “This isn’t… I’m not going to make a joke about it.”
That made her look up. It was unusual enough, with no pre-emption, to be its own kind of signal. She waited.
“Leliana,” he said.
Emma closed the pack. “What about her?”
“I just—The two of you have been. You know. Friendly.”
“She’s a friendly person.”
“She is, yes. Very. With you especially.”
He was again mapping a perimeter. She knew the shape of it by now. She’d liked it — the cleverness, the oblique approach that once included her. Lately it was starting to feel like a locked door.
She tried to read his expression. Didn’t like she felt like trying.
“You want to ask me about her?”
“Are you and Leliana… involved?”
It was a good question. Emma arrived at her answer by process of elimination.
“–No.”
“I—” He blinked. “Oh.”
“Were you expecting a longer answer?”
“I didn’t know what I was expecting.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I thought… the impression I had was that… I mean, I wasn’t trying to assume, but it seemed like—I wasn’t going to say anything. I almost didn’t.”
She was glad he said something; She still wasn’t sure if he really wanted to know.
He was quiet for a moment.
“Do you…” He started carefully. “Do you have feelings toward me? Still, I mean. In that direction.” He sounded like he was asking whether a bridge would hold his weight.
“Yes,” she said. “I do.”
“I’d… hoped that was the case.” He said quietly. “And Leliana?”
“Do I have feelings for her? Is that what you’re asking?”
“It doesn’t seem right to lead her on. Or… well, to lead me on, to be honest. Either you’re with someone or you’re not.”
“So, if I’m not with her, I’m with you. Is that how it is?”
“From your tone, I guess you just don’t see anything wrong with…?”
“I’m asking what you think.”
She watched him try to locate the version of this answer that didn’t sound like an ultimatum.
“Well… maybe there isn’t anything wrong with it. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the idiot that grew up in a hayloft and doesn’t know any better.”
There it was. She’d been waiting for the hayloft. It never came at a good time for her to ask why that was relevant. “I need to think about this.”
“I was afraid you’d say that.”
“I’m not stalling.”
“I know.” He let out a breath. “That’s the problem.”
She watched him struggle with the next part.
“I don’t want to make you choose,” he said. “I just… I can’t…” he trailed off.
“You need me to choose. Even if it’s not you?”
“Even then. Then I’ll live with it.” The words cost him to say. But he was committed, one way or the other.
“You won’t,” she said quietly.
“I didn’t say it would be easy. I…I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t lose me,” she insisted, before she thought better of it. “I just need to think,” she added quickly.
She stood, straightened her pack, and left him with the campfire.
Leliana was sitting at the water’s edge, as if she’d known to wait there. She spoke before Emma reached her.
“I know what you’re going to say.”
“How are you so sure?”
“I’ve been praying for clarity,” Leliana said. “It rarely arrives gently.”
Emma sat down beside her.
Leliana: “You’ve chosen. Haven’t you? Do you think you are the first to dissapoint me?”
Emma longed for Areli. She would know what to do.
“Yes. I’ve chosen. I’m sorry, Leliana.”
Choice: the description felt like a farce. But to say otherwise was cruel.
She didn’t want to reject Leliana. She couldn’t not choose Alistair.
Leliana looked out at the water.
“I… had a feeling. I think I’ve had a feeling for a while and found it more convenient not to act on it.”
Nobody wanted to act on anything. Emma had made a decision, had come here to say it, and somehow she still had less room than she’d had with Alistair, who could rarely speak seriously and had suddenly needed to know exactly where he stood.
Leliana smiled, slightly crooked. The grace arriving.
“I hope you are happy together,” Leliana said. Emma wondered if she meant it.
“How did you know?”
“You soften with him,” Leliana replied. “You think no one notices.”
Morrigan noticed. Emma hadn’t realized Leliana did too. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that.
“I hope he understands what he has,” Leliana said quietly.
“He will.” It felt so certain. Strange, to be so sure of him, but not of this.
“I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“My dear. Wanting is rarely the deciding factor.”